I had a moment today that just happened to be on 'pour your heart out' day, and boy do I need to.
This morning started like any other, kids wakin me up at 6:30am, beggin for food the moment we hit the bottom step, fighting over what cereal, whining about sitting at the dining room table instead of the living room, complaining about having milk instead of juice....*sigh* Nuff said.
My mornings are my least favorite part of my day. First of all, I'm definitely no morning person. I keep thinking that it really does make more sense to get up before the kids, get my shower & coffee in & a little prayertime so I'm not immediately annoyed. However, since my kids get up at 6:30, I'd have to get up at at least 5:30 & when that alarm starts singin', I look outside at the still dark sky & roll right back over.
So I guess it's all my fault.
Anyway...I was busy all morning just gettin ready for work. Showering, dressing, makeup, hair...kids dressed, fed, bags packed, lunch packed, etc....
Chris had his now-ever-constant *almost* 4 attitude about him & had already been in timeout once. Wouldn't leave Noah alone, they're both screaming, whining & I'm honestly not even sure what made me snap for sure. Probably a mixture of all of the above. But I literally (not proud of this at all....) jumped up & down & screamed out loud for them to "SHUT UP & LISTEN TO ME!" They both stopped & stared. I demanded that they get their shoes on because we were LATE! (which was their fault, of course, because Chris *had* to finish coloring & cutting out a picture for a kid at daycare before we left) I was so angry, so frustrated, I just couldn't take anymore. I then had to turn away & let a few tears run down my cheeks while they got their shoes & mumble to myself, "I just can't do it anymore. I just can't."
Once in the car & driving to the sitters, Chris is glumly staring out the window & I wanna kick myself for acting like such a fool in front of my own child. I apologize for acting that way & tell him that I was only angry because we were running late. He asks, 'But why did you jump?' It made me smile but at the same time, broke my heart.
I think these thoughts alot & I wonder if it's even normal sometimes. Every day, I feel at the brink of insanity. The weirdest thing is that work is my solitude. Being at work is the most peaceful place I can be. I definitely don't LIKE work, but it's very peaceful. Even when I'm busy out the butt, I'm in my 'zone'. People can complain, whine & yell at me, but I'm in control. Ya know?
My kids make me feel out of control. And I hate that feeling.
When I have mornings like this, I see kids with their parents while I'm at work & I feel terrible for how angry I was at mine that very morning. I wanna go pick em up & give them a hug & kiss.
Today, I had a customer who has something disabling her, making it hard for her to walk correctly. So she comes up to the register & I'm handing her medicine to her & notice tattoos on her wrists. I ask her what they say...
Her left wrist says, "Love is patient." Her right one says, "Love is kind." I compliment her on how pretty they are & she leaves.
I thought about her long after though. I just kept thinking of my kids & how impatient I can be with them. Love is patient, love is kind. How I need to remember that. Maybe I need to tattoo them on *my* wrists so they can never go unnoticed. I hope I can remember this for tomorrow morning....