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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Feeling a little sad tonight.

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Wondering how I will survive as a single mother of (soon) 3 children under 5.

This wasn't the way things were supposed to be, not at all. This wasn't the way I EVER saw my life. I guess when I push away the anger, I have so much sadness for what our lives could have been & should have been. What our kids deserve & what they'll never have. I'll never again have someone who lives in my house that the kids can call "daddy". Now instead of ever planning our first vacation together, we are planning where the kids will be on a daily basis- daddy or mommy's house. Instead of holiday's spent together, I will spend the ones without my kids in tears. How can I have a real Christmas without them? It's so unfair. My dreams of going to school are slashed for now. Who knows when I'll have time to better myself. Here I am, working at Walmart, going nowhere.

Everyday life....I'm scared of it. You know how your husband stays home with the kids while you go to the grocery store or out with the girls or shopping just because you feel like it? This girl will be having none of that. You know how you can stay at home with your kids every day & still afford to get your nails done? You know how there's always someone there who can fix all the broken things, mow the grass, shovel the snow, take out the trash, kill the scary spiders, do the dirty jobs? Single moms don't have any of that. I've always had that & I'm not quite sure how I'll make it alone. I've never lived alone....I'm lost. I'm going to have a brand new baby & bring him/her home to a house with no one else to help me at night, no one to hold the baby because she's crying & the boys are fighting, no one to cry to when I feel like I'm at my wit's end in the middle of the night.

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever trust another man again. From the way I see it, all men are liars, cheaters & bullcrap speakers. They say what you wanna hear, they don't mean what they say, they can lie right to your face without blinking an eye. It's a scary world out there. If you're the proud wife of a loving, devoted husband, please don't take him for granted. There are so many of us who have been trampled on & used who can only dream of something so great. Maybe one day I'll have something like that, or maybe not. I know most 24 year old men probably don't want to get very involved with a young mom of 3 kids. I mean....c'mon.

This was my pity party, I just needed to get it out. If you can relate, please comment. I know I'm not the only one.


Jessalynn DeRusha said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it has to be hard. I have to say though, don't give up hope on ALL men. They aren't all like that. Have faith that things will work out all on God's time. I'm praying for you and your kiddos.

Morgan said...

All I want to do is hug you so hard and cry with you! You are such a dear and close friend to me and it breaks my heart to see you go through this. It's absolutely UNFAIR. I know you will not be alone forever. We have a mutual friend who was divorced with 3 kids....she found someone and they have a wonderful and happy life. It CAN happen. And not all men are like your idiot ex.

bugsyysgub said...

Exactly what Morgan and Jessa said. Not all men are like that, and I am very sorry that your ex is. But I love that you are taking every thing one day at a time. I think I would personally be out for revenge on his butt, but not you. You are bing strong and taking every thing in stride. Just remember to be strong for you and your kiddos. Remember you do have friends and family close to you that would help you out if you need a moment to yourself. Just don't be afraid to ask. And don't feel bad if you need to walk away from the living room where your boys are fighting and your little one is crying. Just walk away and take a moment for Megan, because dang it you deserve it! :o) Good luck Mama!

Shell said...

Oh, honey. My heart is breaking for you. You WILL get through this, though.