(Day 3) Something I must forgive myself for....

*Something I have to forgive myself for*

(30 days of truth- hosted by The Young Retiree)

I just found this 30 Days Of Truth meme from The Young Retiree last night while browsing blogs & wanted to jump on. It's day 3 today but if you wanna participate, jump in whenever you like. She has amazing prompts to start with daily.

My mama raised me to think clearly & thoroughly before making important decisions that could change my life. I think I have taken it to the extreme by being overly cautious & therefore becoming pretty much the most indecisive person you'll probably ever meet. I eat the same things at restaurants because I don't wanna have to make a decision & have it be the wrong one. I compare prices so much on makeup & face cream that it takes me 20 minutes to decide & then end up changing my mind again & putting it back on the shelf before walking out. 

Maybe this stems from never being "rich" or with lots of excess money. Ever since I've been married, we've struggled with money. It's a struggle I've grown to accept because I fear it may never change. Better to accept it & live with it than to be surprised day after day, year after year that it hasn't changed. I can only hope.

Back to my point...even after all the things my mom taught me, I was still so very stupid as a teenager. I hurt my mom. Alot. It's the worst years I can remember & I try to just forget. I have asked God for forgiveness so I know that I'm forgiven but it still hurts me to know just how much I disappointed her.

She raised me from age 10 on as a single mom & I put so much stress on her. At 14, I was getting into so much trouble (with boys especially) that I was sent away to live with a friend 2 hours away. It was only going to be a month but turned into a year, mainly because I just wanted to stay & had a best friend to hang out with. Of course, I missed my mom like crazy but was too stupid to admit it. It was for the best that I was sent there.

I went through a "goth" phase, if you could call it that. Dressed in black, painted my  nails black, cutting myself, writing depressing poetry, anorexia...you name it. I don't know why I tortured myself so much. I'll never figure that out. My mom never understood but always loved me & was there to hear me when I cried to her.

We ended up moving to the area where my friend lived who I was staying with & right across the street is where I met my husband...we were 15 & still so stupid. Got into trouble & did things I know I shouldn't have but I didn't care. I didn't care what my mom had to say, she didn't know anything, right?? Wrong.

The day that I will never forget is 2 months after my 18th birthday, I told her I was pregnant. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to tell my mom. I knew it would break her heart. I know that getting pregnant is nothing compared to some of the things that could have happened to me but everyone knows that your life changes so drastically when a baby comes. I wasn't ready, we weren't ready....but we had been so stupid.

Sometimes I wonder what would have been different had we waited & had children later. I love them both so dearly & would never ever have considered abortion or adoption. What would our lives be like? Would my husband & I have gotten married? Would we still be together? Would I have gone to college? Would I be working at Walmart? Answers I will never know.

I must forgive myself for hurting her. I know I am forgiven but forgetting it is hard. <3 you Mom & I hope that you know I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm not so stupid anymore.