Truth #6- Something I hope I never have to do....

Something I Hope I Never Have to Do

 (30 days of truth, hosted by the Young Retiree)

Doesn't even take me 10 seconds to think of what I would say I hope I never have to do. I hope that never in my life, I have to bury one of my beautiful children. I just cannot imagine how difficult & absolutely heartbreaking that must be to endure.

 

I watch the news, read stories, surf the web & hear horrendous stories of parents losing their children to some of the most terrible things. It kills me. I cry every time as I'm sure millions of other mothers do. No one wants to ever even imagine that they themselves could lose their own child. It's unfathomable to me, impossible. Although I know it's not....in my own mind, I pray to God that it is.

I do still believe that every little thing happens for a reason....but finding that reason when an innocent child is killed....is so very hard. I don't think that my mortal mind can do so. Only Jesus can answer why.

 

I hurt for every mother who has had to lose their baby...I don't know what I would do if I had to go through it. Numbness & pain is all I can think.

This I hope to NEVER do.

Truth #5- Something I hope to do in my lifetime.

Something I hope to do in my lifetime.

(30 days of truth, hosted by The Young Retiree)

This one is pretty tough because I feel like I haven't accomplished very much in my life compared to what I WANT to accomplish. I started out married life & children pretty early & didn't get to experience alot of things that most do.

I'm going to cheat & name a few things I'd really love to do....not sure if I'll be able to but I'm gonna try at least.

1. Be the best Christian I can be & prepare myself for heaven! This is something my immature mind didn't really understand even a couple years ago, even after I was baptized at 18. I'm glad that I'm maturing more now & wanna be the best I can be. I am working on it more now than ever, dropping bad habits one at a time.

2. I want to go to school for SOMEthing....like I've mentioned before, I'm very very indecisive. I change my mind monthly as to what I'd like to go to school for. I just never seem to be able to find my perfect fit. The one thing I'd love to do is almost unreachable, especially at this point in my life. Maybe one day.

3. I want to speak Spanish fluently. This has always been a random dream of mine, to be able to speak a foreign language as if it were my native language. I just think it's a great skill to have.

Of course I could name mannnnnyy other things I'd love to be able to do, these are just a few that I think about the most. And these are purely ME, not in relation to my husband or kids. After all, this challenge is about ME and my truths, not what I want to see them accomplish. Selfish? Naw, this is my blog after all. Haha!

 I will be participating in a Walk For Life for a local organization on Oct 9th. I'm looking for all the sponsors I can get to put towards this organization. It provides women with education about abortion, post-abortion counseling, free pregnancy tests & more. You don't have to live near me to contribute. Please contact me if you'd like to donate to this wonderful pro-life cause.

(Day 3) Something I must forgive myself for....

*Something I have to forgive myself for*

(30 days of truth- hosted by The Young Retiree)

I just found this 30 Days Of Truth meme from The Young Retiree last night while browsing blogs & wanted to jump on. It's day 3 today but if you wanna participate, jump in whenever you like. She has amazing prompts to start with daily.

My mama raised me to think clearly & thoroughly before making important decisions that could change my life. I think I have taken it to the extreme by being overly cautious & therefore becoming pretty much the most indecisive person you'll probably ever meet. I eat the same things at restaurants because I don't wanna have to make a decision & have it be the wrong one. I compare prices so much on makeup & face cream that it takes me 20 minutes to decide & then end up changing my mind again & putting it back on the shelf before walking out. 

Maybe this stems from never being "rich" or with lots of excess money. Ever since I've been married, we've struggled with money. It's a struggle I've grown to accept because I fear it may never change. Better to accept it & live with it than to be surprised day after day, year after year that it hasn't changed. I can only hope.

Back to my point...even after all the things my mom taught me, I was still so very stupid as a teenager. I hurt my mom. Alot. It's the worst years I can remember & I try to just forget. I have asked God for forgiveness so I know that I'm forgiven but it still hurts me to know just how much I disappointed her.

She raised me from age 10 on as a single mom & I put so much stress on her. At 14, I was getting into so much trouble (with boys especially) that I was sent away to live with a friend 2 hours away. It was only going to be a month but turned into a year, mainly because I just wanted to stay & had a best friend to hang out with. Of course, I missed my mom like crazy but was too stupid to admit it. It was for the best that I was sent there.

I went through a "goth" phase, if you could call it that. Dressed in black, painted my  nails black, cutting myself, writing depressing poetry, anorexia...you name it. I don't know why I tortured myself so much. I'll never figure that out. My mom never understood but always loved me & was there to hear me when I cried to her.

We ended up moving to the area where my friend lived who I was staying with & right across the street is where I met my husband...we were 15 & still so stupid. Got into trouble & did things I know I shouldn't have but I didn't care. I didn't care what my mom had to say, she didn't know anything, right?? Wrong.

The day that I will never forget is 2 months after my 18th birthday, I told her I was pregnant. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to tell my mom. I knew it would break her heart. I know that getting pregnant is nothing compared to some of the things that could have happened to me but everyone knows that your life changes so drastically when a baby comes. I wasn't ready, we weren't ready....but we had been so stupid.

Sometimes I wonder what would have been different had we waited & had children later. I love them both so dearly & would never ever have considered abortion or adoption. What would our lives be like? Would my husband & I have gotten married? Would we still be together? Would I have gone to college? Would I be working at Walmart? Answers I will never know.

I must forgive myself for hurting her. I know I am forgiven but forgetting it is hard. <3 you Mom & I hope that you know I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm not so stupid anymore.